Archive for the ‘Stupid Bike Tricks’ Category

Dear Granny (Gear)

May 27, 2014 10 comments

Dear Granny,

Of all my gears, you’re my favoritest one. We’ve been spending a lot of quality time together lately and I’ve enjoyed your companionship. While all those hammer-heads with their fancy-smancy compact doubles go flying by us on the mountain, I just smile and say, “I’m spending time with my Granny”. And when we do finally reach the top and they’re blowing snot bubbles and can hardly speak I say “Come on boys; no time to rest!” Old girl you’ve seen me to the top of some pretty hairy climbs and in all kinds of nasty weather. You’ve never let me down, and for that I’m grateful.

Your beloved rider, The Velo Hobo

Categories: Stupid Bike Tricks

Writers Blockhead

November 22, 2013 12 comments

With great reluctance I sit at the keyboard to pen this post.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing, I do; I love it.  But something has gotten in the way; blocking the creative juices and keeping me from doing the very thing that makes abnormal me feel normal.

What’s clogging the creativity conduit keeping all the weirdness locked inside?  It’s the keyboard, the computer, the whole internet thing.  And WordPress, Goddess bless their wretched souls, tweaking this and that as if it weren’t tedious enough to upload posts.

So with or without your permission, here’s my remedy.  My New Year’s resolution is to write 52 letters to 52 people in 52 weeks.  I’ll use real ink and real paper, and a real dictionary for spill chicking.  What a concept.  I’ll use real saliva to seal the envelopes and even though we haven’t needed to since the 80’s, I think I’ll lick the stamps too.  My audience will number one a week; family member, friend, bill collector, whoever.

So what will happen to The Velo Hobo?  I’ll post pictures of the wonderful travelers who take refuge in our home and maybe a few bike related photos of my own.  With no real pressure to be clever and witty, maybe I’ll post more.  Maybe not.

Thanks for putting up with me, and as always, thanks for reading The Velo Hobo.


Categories: Stupid Bike Tricks

Gear Review: Any Cheap Chin-Up Bar

February 22, 2013 6 comments

Yes those skinny things dangling like soggy spaghetti from my sleeves are actually my arms. Like many cyclists I have carnival freak proportions. The lower half is pretty fit for a fellow near fifty, but above that is a Steve Urkelesque physique. Several months ago, with my newly-knitted back-together knee in recovery, I decided to start lifting heavy things. Fortunately I am a heavy thing, so all I needed was a cheap Wally World chin-up bar. After several months of chin-upping I am able to do several sets of five throughout the day, and to my surprise and amusement, tiny lumps have appeared on my arms which may someday develop into real biceps (only time will tell).

If you’ve never done a chin-up chances are you can’t, so here’s a few tips to get you started:
• Don’t buy an expensive chin-up bar with a bunch of silly attachments. Just a simple inexpensive type that wedges on a door frame is all you need to develop that classic Velo Hobo Gladiator build.
• Don’t be stupid. Start slow so you don’t injure your shoulders. Start by standing on something or someone and just lower yourself down till you’re able to pull yourself up.
• Put your chin-up bar in a doorway that you pass by throughout the day. Do a few every time you pass by; they can be addictive.
• Reward yourself often. As an example, for every 25 chin-ups eat a piece of cake. The cake will add resistance to the exercise and make it more effective.
• And lastly, don’t give up. Unless you really want to, I don’t care, whatever.

Thanks for reading, The Velo Hobo!
~A consortium of cheap chin-up bar manufacturers paid me to write this review.

Categories: Gear, Stupid Bike Tricks

2012 in review ~

December 31, 2012 2 comments

Okay, you guys must really like polk salad.  Follow the link below to find out how many people wasted time reading this blog…mostly to learn about polk salad?

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 69,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Travel the World for FREE!!!

November 8, 2012 2 comments

Traveling the world for free is the dream of most of us.  Here’s an ingenious scheme to do just that.  Here’s what you’ll need: A zip-tie long enough to go around your neck, a carabiner and a three by five card.  Inscribe the following message or something similar.  Unless you’re particular furry, change ‘teddy bear’ to uncle, brother, cousin.  You get the idea.

Dear Traveler,

My name is (insert cute name here).  I am the teddy bear (sister, brother…) of (Susie, Tommy or Timmy work well as they conjure up images of cute kids in the minds of most people).  I would like to join you on your trip!  Would you take me and make a picture of me on your holiday location?  Then e-mail this picture and the name of your holiday location to (you can use anyone’s e-mail or send them to me if you’d like.   This way class (whatever) of primary school (wherever) can follow my travels around the world.  Would you then give me to another traveler?  Thank you very much and enjoy your holiday.

This scheme seems much safer than the traditional approach of mailing yourself places ‘Postage Due’ and sneaking out of the post office in the middle of the night.

Happy travels, Jack

Categories: Skills, Stupid Bike Tricks

Talking Ducks Should Always Wear Pants

Don’t be alarmed, but sometimes I wake up in strange places.  Last night I dreamt of talking mice and ducks and this morning I woke up in Orlando, Florida.  Please don’t ask how I came to be here, but in the chaos that was my yesterday at least I had the presence of mind to grab my bicycle.  Whoever put me to bed last night must have pried it loose from my fingers because it’s leaning against the wall near my bed; just leaning there as calmly as if this kind of thing happens to it all the time.  “Don’t look at me in that tone of voice!” I spit at it.  No reply.  A good indication that this is all real.  I close my eyes tightly and count backwards from ten.  Open my eyes and I’m still in Orlando.  Yep, this all must be real.  At least real enough to attempt a bike ride in.

So this is what I can say for certain.  I’m in Orlando and I have my bike. So I’ll be doing some exploring.  No, I won’t be visiting Disney World.  To be honest, I don’t think they will let me back in after the last time and I’m sure they won’t let me in with my bike.


Tellico Tour Totally Tanked after Twist

April 25, 2012 6 comments

Well dang it all.  Raquel and I had a wicked-ass weeklong tour mapped out.  We were to leave in early June and ride a four hundred mile loop from our back door through Tellico Plains Tennessee, up and over the Cherohala Skyway and back.  But, I’m writing this from the discomfort of my bed as I have, yet once again, bone-head that I am, twisted my knee in ways a knee should not be twisted.

But I’ll not let a little thing like excruciating pain stop me from touring.  We are opting instead for the gentler Virginia Creeper trail.  Not the tour I was hoping for, but still on my bucket list of places to visit.  The Virginia Creeper is such a cake walk we’ve decided to take the kids with us.  Oh joy.

Has anyone out there done the Virginia Creeper? Any tips?

Thanks, Jack

Categories: Stupid Bike Tricks
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